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Piss in the sink and call the cat a bastard


The Harold Shipman Fan Club...(a taxi driver's descent into madness)

I had a nutter in my cab the other day, he has a massive grin on his face, sits next to me and stares right into my eyes, and then starts talking about cheese.
"Do you like cheese?''
It's the first time I've ever become scared discussing dairy products.
"I like red cheese".
He goes on;
"cheese toasties cheese and biscuits, what cheese do you like?''
By this time I'm shitting myself. I mean what do you say to somebody that's obviously mad, sitting there staring at you with an insane grin on their face? Agree with him!
"Yes mate cheese is excellent I love cheese".
Jesus, his grin has now grown tenfold;
"would you like to come into my house for some cheese?".
I start pressing the buttons on my data head like mad. Give me another job come on please for fuck sake, any job.
"sorry mate I'm really busy".
Thankfully we arrived at his house.
"here we go sir that's £8 pounds please".
He's still smiling as he gets out and I'm still shaking.
I should have known that was coming. He was dressed in a bright pink shell suit top with a double cadet stripe and green baggy shorts, knee-length blue socks, and a pair of brogues.
He reminds me of this morbidly obese teenager who gets a cab everywhere, always talking about food.
She dresses in a way that she obviously thinks is stylish, she wears a sleeveless button-up white top with an open v design showing her cleavage, it also has pearl chains dangling around her shoulders (these are so obviously bits of plastic). The top stops at the belly button. I'm not sure if this is on purpose or not. The whole thing looks like it's three sizes too small and bursting under the strain.
For trousers, she has chosen grey jogging bottoms with a logo written across her arse stating the words "Classy Lassy".
She always travels with this really thin guy.
"Take me to McDonald's, now"
The cab rocks back and forth when she gets in.
"Ooooh double cheeseburger with loads of chips".
All she talks about is food.
"Can you hurry up driver I'm bloody starving". Fuck me, love, I doubt that.
Mr thin man just sits there, not meeting my occasional glance.
We`re going to some burger outlet and it's then we find out it's not open. She was halfway through talking about what sort of relish she wanted when we pull up.
"It's shut, McDonalds is shut".
She is screaming and bouncing up and down.
"Fuck sake love mind my suspension".
"I want a burger, I want a burger".
I shoot off as fast as I can under the circumstances.
"Hang on I know a drive-thru".
I am tearing through the city avoiding the speed bumps at all costs.
The noise emanating from the hippo sitting behind me reminds me of a documentary I once watched about childbirth. I pull into the drive-thru and a voice from a machine says,
"Can I take your order please".
The obese one is so hyperventilated she can't talk, so Mr thin steps in;
"two treble cheeseburgers with everything on them; four fries and two liters of coke; three boxes of chicken wings, please."
Mr thin just rattles this off the top of his head, giving the impression that it's not the first time he has come to the rescue of his damsel in distress...Waiting for the food is akin to the countdown for the space shuttle, the tension is unbelievable.

There comes a time in every man's life when you have to stand tall and be counted. Not to let your family name down. Not to let yourself be bullied or be trodden upon. I think of my heroes; General Julian Thompson of the Royal Marines who fought with his men in the Falklands conflict.
Henrick Larson, the all-time highest goal scorer for Glasgow Celtic and of course, Harold . I mustered all my strength, tried to hide my fear, and spoke...
"I'm sorry love but you can't eat in my cab."

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