Moderately amusing...

A guy came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter."

He was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send
me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

He was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he Was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,
How are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've Never
laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

"Wake up you drunken bastard, you've shat the bed.

********************************************************************

What's black and furious?

The reincarnation of Bernard Manning.

LOL, just what I needed to cheer me up!

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen'